Though its been weeks I feel as though I was just laying looking at the big screen in front of me. My husband by my side. A day that was supposed to be complete excitement was the start of one of the hardest storms I have ever gone through.
" I'm sorry. There is no heart beat. You've miscarried." My mind instantly went to the moment we found out we were expecting. I was late, and so my husband decided to pick up a home pregnancy test. I told him over, and over again we weren't pregnant. Just because people joked about how we'd get pregnant on our wedding night didn't mean it would really happen. But, he insisted. So, I told him to just buy a dollar store one. There is no point in spending a ton of money when I knew we weren't pregnant.
When my husband got home from work, he handed me the test. " Okay, I'm going to prove to you i'm not pregnant." I stated as I walked into our bathroom. I took the test, and as I sat it down looked at it. I seen the start of one line. I knew I wasn't pregnant I thought as I went to wash my hands. I then proceeded to open the bathroom door.
I looked at my husband, and stated " see i'm not....uh..." another glance of the test now clearly showed two lines. " Uh?" my husband said as he walked towards the bathroom door. " Your going to be a daddy." In a bit of shock we decided to get another test just to make sure. So, the next day we took two more tests. Which, also confirmed that we were expecting.
Still shocked, yet excited we called family, some close friends, and scheduled our first doctors appointment. Soon we were buying baby stuff, reading about how far along we were, and discussing names.My husband was going out for my crazy food cravings. Weeks passed, and the day came that we could finally hear the heartbeat.
But, there was no heart beat. At first the doctors thought the baby might be a little to small to get the heart beat. They had said because I am so small we could probably hear the heart beat, and find out the sex sooner then most expectant mothers. After blood work it was confirmed it was a miscarriage. The baby was 7 weeks but, stopped growing at 4-5 weeks. The heart stopped beating at 5-7 weeks. Of course everything was estimated.
I couldn't even think the moment the words miscarriage was spoken. All I could do was cry. The dr came in telling me what would\could happen next. I had my options of letting it pass naturally, or getting a DNC done. Which, did I want to do?! My mind spun, and all I could say is " I don't know." The dr left, and my husband just held me. " Let's do our devo's when we get home."
Devo's! What?! Was he crazy? I didn't want to do devo's. I was mad at God. He just took our baby. Days passed with anger, questions of why, and the feeling of being cheated each time I seen an expectant mother, or new born baby. A few days after we found out about the miscarriage he wrote this :
Why??? That is not the Question!!! FAITH!! GOD has a reason for everything. GOD answer why in his time and last I knew I am not him. FAITH is BELIEVING and TRUSTING in GOD. That is the the answer!! People need to do that more and more everyday!! I don't know what he has in store for us. But, whatever it is I know he will be there to carry us where ever we go. GOD IS WITH ALL OF US!! Losing a child is sad but, GOD know what is best. Don't be sad... Be glad for the LORD is with our CHILD. I will miss this CHILD we never had but, our CHILD is with the Lord.. He is okay, for our CHILD is in a better place... Our Child is in Heaven watching over us. So, REJOICE. I am!!! Thanks everyone for all the support that everyone has given Melinda and I. Glory to GOD In the Highest!!!
The moment I read this I knew my husband was right. When we first found out we were expecting I told God this was his child. He could do whatever he wanted with it. I don't know why he choose to take this child to heaven. But, that is what he choose. Though this baby was taken away, he or she was created for a purpose. I believe it was to bring my husband & I closer to him, and each other. This storm has only brought us closer, and showed me even more what an amazing, godly man I've married.
A week ago we went in for our two week check up. I still hadn't passed the baby yet. We got one more glance at our baby. Praying that God would give us a miracle. That there would be a heart beat, or that the baby had grown. Some kind of sign or proof that the baby was actually alive. Though this is what my husband, and I hoped we both prayed for God's will. Even if that was that the baby would be miscarried. The baby was, and I was scheduled for a DNC that Thursday.
Thursday came, and we went to the hospital. 7 1\2 hours of waiting, and they finally took me in for the Surgery. It's been a week since my surgery, some days it seems more easy. I know even though the physical part of the recovery is over the emotional isn't. But, throughout this whole time my husband and I have found hope in God, and that he is in control. That our sweet baby is in his arms. Not ever having to feel hurt or pain. We had decided a few days after the miscarriage that our baby deserved a name. We didn't know the sex of our baby. But, we came up with Joy Strength.
We aren't fully over this storm. But, we are looking towards the light. We don't know when God will bless us with a baby. But, we know it's in his timing. All we can do is take each day at a time, and know the days we feel like we can't get through he is carrying us. Though things are tough now, I look forward to what's next in our life, marriage, and the year to come.
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