A not so " Set Apart" Life....

   First, I'd like to say this post is not bashing the Ludy books, Ellerslie, Harris books, or saying I don't want to be a christian or live for God. But, as I have lived out the past year or so I realize I can't nor do I want to live the set apart life anymore. I want to just live life. Yes, for God. But, living the " set apart life." I felt so trapped, judged, and afraid to be me. I felt I had to be in the perfect bubble always. 

  I realize all this a bit after Ellerslie ( no fault to the staff. I think they are amazing.) But, even more so at Frontier, and after. At frontier I had amazing friends who accepted me as  I was. I could tell them my past, what I had struggled with, and be real. They loved & accepted me as I was

 ( something i've found hard to get through out my life.) Not that some people weren't this way at Ellerslie. But, a lot was the complete opposite I felt.  

When I was trying to live this set apart life ( because to me this = what a real christian looked like) I found it was hard to have friendships with my guy friends. My whole life I was the one my guy friends would talk to about relationships\life & vice verse. I'd give them " Normal" hugs. Not side hugs ( nothing wrong with side hugs). I always felt like I was walking on egg shells or trying to make sure I didn't do something "wrong" when around the opposite sex. When I used to once be relaxed around guy friends I was now always second guessing what I was going to say or do.  

Don't get me wrong I think being careful with relationships with the opposite sex is a great thing. Yet, once I stepped back I seen it was a little to much. I started to look at my relationships with my guy friends, and see how the "set apart life" and people living it might\would frown on my relationships with my guy friends.

I spent time a lone in cars with one at 2 am coming home from hanging out with a ton of people from church. We'd have heart to hearts about life, God, relationships,etc. It was completely innocent. I felt nothing wrong with it. I didn't feel like I would " disrespect" my future husband. 

When my husband and I dated we went on road trips alone together. We spent time at our house together. Etc. Yes, I understand the whole flee from temptation. But, Again I felt nothing wrong with it. Most of our relationship we were alone together. Yes, there were times we were with family. But, as I, and my parents seen it. We were adults, and it was our relationship. 

This would have been frowned upon. It wouldn't be " pure or safe". At my rehearsal dinner I hugged tight, and told one of my best friends I loved him. He was in my wedding, and to be that was how it should have been. It was one of the things that made my wedding perfect. When I told him I loved him not only was his wife standing there. But, my husband was right by me too. 

Saying I love you didn't mean I wanted to be with him. It didn't mean anything other then I love you as a brother. We all knew that. But, I could only imagine the words some people living the set apart life would say. Or after reading this even think.

Sadly a lot. But, not all can get so consumed in this lifestyle they start to judge others who don't live this lifestyle. They think this lifestyle is what Christianity is. Any other way isn't real Christianity. When you get consumed in this lifestyle, and the books you can go from just living your life to becoming someone who is judgmental, self-righteous, addicted to this lifestyle, someone who tries to be perfect yet feels defeated. I know this- because I became this.

I went from knowing God loved me. To not thinking I could even come to him until I got a.b.c figured out. Because I didn't have a.b.c figured out, and kept "screwing up" I couldn't come to him. Especially as I was because I wasn't getting things right. Which, is completely wrong, and not even close to what the gospel is. 

After I walked away from this lifestyle, and found God again I seen even more how dangerous this lifestyle can be. I now want to live my life for God. But, as God tells me. Not some books tell me. I fully respect, and love the ludy's. But, I can no longer live the " set apart lifestyle." I just want to live the life of a christian. I have meet some amazing woman who live their life,and enjoy it. There not worried about how they come across every 5 seconds. You know they love God. But, they are also truly living. 

Candance Cameron recently wrote this in her blog " I wont ever stop being the real me to be an illusion of a better but fake Christian version of myself."    That is how I plan to live my life. As the real me, and not some butter  but fake christian. Some may frown upon my thoughts, or think how much i've " changed". Honestly, I have not so much as changed. But, went back to who I used to be before I was consumed in this lifestyle. For the one's who live it, and are happy. That's great. But, it's just not for me. I am who I am, and That's all I can be. Flaws, and all.

A new Chapter- The Start Of A New Year....

I sat in a circle with my dad,sister, and husband tonight playing Uno. The ball had dropped, and every one else had gone home. The night had been simple, and full of laughter. Just like I believe this year will be.

 For so many years I had these high expectations that never became of anything. Every year I hoped at least this year would be different. Yet, I was always secretly disappointed with how my life was going. Sure, I had some good moments. Going to Colorado, Spending my summer in Ellersie, Meeting friends at Frontier. There was little highlights. Yet, each year I felt more, and more lost.

This past year I grew a lot personally.I started last year coming home from college. I knew I needed to be home, and stop running from personal things. I needed to get past personal " Demons" I've secretly had for years, and move on from them. It took awhile. But, it happened.

I learned a lot this past year. That you can't help some people, and no matter how hard you try some just stay toxic in your life. So, you need to get them out. I had to get rid of a lot of toxic people in my life. Which, I am so thankful, and glad I did. It took awhile. But, it happened. 

I also learned to speak up, and speak my mind. Which, could get me into trouble from time to time. But, sometimes things were needed to be said. I got over a lot of personal " hurdles". Things from the past I just needed to get over.

The start of last year was a bit rough. I learned how to fight for what I want, love, and believe in. Even when a part of me wants to just give up.  It was a crazy year emotionally for sure. But, in the end I realized what I wanted, and what I truly believe in.

I seen how the way I was living wasn't really realistic, and actually toxic. Idea's from books I read- though they had good intentions just weren't truly biblical or realistic. Though I clung to these things I thought was true. When I took a second glance I realized some of these teaching was not only untrue, but put me in a toxic state of mind. Trying to be perfect, and make no mistakes. Just becoming more defeated each time I "fell down" or
 " messed up". Which, felt like all the time. 

Yet, I found true happiness this past year. One of my biggest dreams came true. I married the man who won my heart years ago, and truly never lost my heart. My life didn't become a " fairy tale" or " perfect" the minute I uttered " I do".  But, it's such a blessing, and the biggest joy in my life. Though marriage life is work. I love every second of it. Every thing I get to learn about my husband. Every moment we spend together just enjoying each other. I often wake up in the middle of the night, and look over to my husband sleeping peacefully. All I can do is smile, and wonder how I got so lucky to be married to this man. 
We have only been married a short time. Yet, it feels like I've been with this man my whole life. 

Though the end of 2013 was filled with personal tragedy when we lost our baby. I have hope for this coming year. I know it's going to be filled with so many great things. Though I am sure there will be hard times. I don't know what to expect. Maybe we will have a baby. Maybe we won't. Maybe we will move once our lease is up. Maybe we will stay here another year. 

I have no idea what's ahead. But, I know there are so many possibilities. Instead of writing a list of what resolutions. I am just going to do one thing . Enjoy my life each day as it comes. Enjoy the little moments with my husband. Spend time with friends\family.

I realize my life is what I make it. I choose to make my life, and this year great. No matter what.