A not so " Set Apart" Life....

   First, I'd like to say this post is not bashing the Ludy books, Ellerslie, Harris books, or saying I don't want to be a christian or live for God. But, as I have lived out the past year or so I realize I can't nor do I want to live the set apart life anymore. I want to just live life. Yes, for God. But, living the " set apart life." I felt so trapped, judged, and afraid to be me. I felt I had to be in the perfect bubble always. 

  I realize all this a bit after Ellerslie ( no fault to the staff. I think they are amazing.) But, even more so at Frontier, and after. At frontier I had amazing friends who accepted me as  I was. I could tell them my past, what I had struggled with, and be real. They loved & accepted me as I was

 ( something i've found hard to get through out my life.) Not that some people weren't this way at Ellerslie. But, a lot was the complete opposite I felt.  

When I was trying to live this set apart life ( because to me this = what a real christian looked like) I found it was hard to have friendships with my guy friends. My whole life I was the one my guy friends would talk to about relationships\life & vice verse. I'd give them " Normal" hugs. Not side hugs ( nothing wrong with side hugs). I always felt like I was walking on egg shells or trying to make sure I didn't do something "wrong" when around the opposite sex. When I used to once be relaxed around guy friends I was now always second guessing what I was going to say or do.  

Don't get me wrong I think being careful with relationships with the opposite sex is a great thing. Yet, once I stepped back I seen it was a little to much. I started to look at my relationships with my guy friends, and see how the "set apart life" and people living it might\would frown on my relationships with my guy friends.

I spent time a lone in cars with one at 2 am coming home from hanging out with a ton of people from church. We'd have heart to hearts about life, God, relationships,etc. It was completely innocent. I felt nothing wrong with it. I didn't feel like I would " disrespect" my future husband. 

When my husband and I dated we went on road trips alone together. We spent time at our house together. Etc. Yes, I understand the whole flee from temptation. But, Again I felt nothing wrong with it. Most of our relationship we were alone together. Yes, there were times we were with family. But, as I, and my parents seen it. We were adults, and it was our relationship. 

This would have been frowned upon. It wouldn't be " pure or safe". At my rehearsal dinner I hugged tight, and told one of my best friends I loved him. He was in my wedding, and to be that was how it should have been. It was one of the things that made my wedding perfect. When I told him I loved him not only was his wife standing there. But, my husband was right by me too. 

Saying I love you didn't mean I wanted to be with him. It didn't mean anything other then I love you as a brother. We all knew that. But, I could only imagine the words some people living the set apart life would say. Or after reading this even think.

Sadly a lot. But, not all can get so consumed in this lifestyle they start to judge others who don't live this lifestyle. They think this lifestyle is what Christianity is. Any other way isn't real Christianity. When you get consumed in this lifestyle, and the books you can go from just living your life to becoming someone who is judgmental, self-righteous, addicted to this lifestyle, someone who tries to be perfect yet feels defeated. I know this- because I became this.

I went from knowing God loved me. To not thinking I could even come to him until I got a.b.c figured out. Because I didn't have a.b.c figured out, and kept "screwing up" I couldn't come to him. Especially as I was because I wasn't getting things right. Which, is completely wrong, and not even close to what the gospel is. 

After I walked away from this lifestyle, and found God again I seen even more how dangerous this lifestyle can be. I now want to live my life for God. But, as God tells me. Not some books tell me. I fully respect, and love the ludy's. But, I can no longer live the " set apart lifestyle." I just want to live the life of a christian. I have meet some amazing woman who live their life,and enjoy it. There not worried about how they come across every 5 seconds. You know they love God. But, they are also truly living. 

Candance Cameron recently wrote this in her blog " I wont ever stop being the real me to be an illusion of a better but fake Christian version of myself."    That is how I plan to live my life. As the real me, and not some butter  but fake christian. Some may frown upon my thoughts, or think how much i've " changed". Honestly, I have not so much as changed. But, went back to who I used to be before I was consumed in this lifestyle. For the one's who live it, and are happy. That's great. But, it's just not for me. I am who I am, and That's all I can be. Flaws, and all.

A new Chapter- The Start Of A New Year....

I sat in a circle with my dad,sister, and husband tonight playing Uno. The ball had dropped, and every one else had gone home. The night had been simple, and full of laughter. Just like I believe this year will be.

 For so many years I had these high expectations that never became of anything. Every year I hoped at least this year would be different. Yet, I was always secretly disappointed with how my life was going. Sure, I had some good moments. Going to Colorado, Spending my summer in Ellersie, Meeting friends at Frontier. There was little highlights. Yet, each year I felt more, and more lost.

This past year I grew a lot personally.I started last year coming home from college. I knew I needed to be home, and stop running from personal things. I needed to get past personal " Demons" I've secretly had for years, and move on from them. It took awhile. But, it happened.

I learned a lot this past year. That you can't help some people, and no matter how hard you try some just stay toxic in your life. So, you need to get them out. I had to get rid of a lot of toxic people in my life. Which, I am so thankful, and glad I did. It took awhile. But, it happened. 

I also learned to speak up, and speak my mind. Which, could get me into trouble from time to time. But, sometimes things were needed to be said. I got over a lot of personal " hurdles". Things from the past I just needed to get over.

The start of last year was a bit rough. I learned how to fight for what I want, love, and believe in. Even when a part of me wants to just give up.  It was a crazy year emotionally for sure. But, in the end I realized what I wanted, and what I truly believe in.

I seen how the way I was living wasn't really realistic, and actually toxic. Idea's from books I read- though they had good intentions just weren't truly biblical or realistic. Though I clung to these things I thought was true. When I took a second glance I realized some of these teaching was not only untrue, but put me in a toxic state of mind. Trying to be perfect, and make no mistakes. Just becoming more defeated each time I "fell down" or
 " messed up". Which, felt like all the time. 

Yet, I found true happiness this past year. One of my biggest dreams came true. I married the man who won my heart years ago, and truly never lost my heart. My life didn't become a " fairy tale" or " perfect" the minute I uttered " I do".  But, it's such a blessing, and the biggest joy in my life. Though marriage life is work. I love every second of it. Every thing I get to learn about my husband. Every moment we spend together just enjoying each other. I often wake up in the middle of the night, and look over to my husband sleeping peacefully. All I can do is smile, and wonder how I got so lucky to be married to this man. 
We have only been married a short time. Yet, it feels like I've been with this man my whole life. 

Though the end of 2013 was filled with personal tragedy when we lost our baby. I have hope for this coming year. I know it's going to be filled with so many great things. Though I am sure there will be hard times. I don't know what to expect. Maybe we will have a baby. Maybe we won't. Maybe we will move once our lease is up. Maybe we will stay here another year. 

I have no idea what's ahead. But, I know there are so many possibilities. Instead of writing a list of what resolutions. I am just going to do one thing . Enjoy my life each day as it comes. Enjoy the little moments with my husband. Spend time with friends\family.

I realize my life is what I make it. I choose to make my life, and this year great. No matter what.

Hope in midst of the storm...

   I find lately there are two things I am doing late at night. Sleeping, or sitting in the silence. Tonight, I am sitting in the silence. Exhaustion fills my body as it has for weeks now. We've had some crazy storms these past couple of days. They seem to fit with what's been going on with the theme of my life lately.

Though its been weeks I feel as though I was just laying looking at the big screen in front of me. My husband by my side. A day that was supposed to be complete excitement was the start of one of the hardest storms I have ever gone through.

" I'm sorry. There is no heart beat. You've miscarried." My mind instantly went to the moment we found out we were expecting. I was late, and so my husband decided to pick up a home pregnancy test. I told him over, and over again we weren't pregnant. Just because people joked about how we'd get pregnant on our wedding night didn't mean it would really happen. But, he insisted. So, I told him to just buy a dollar store one. There is no point in spending a ton of money when I knew we weren't pregnant. 

When my husband got home from work, he handed me the test. " Okay, I'm going to prove to you i'm not pregnant." I stated as I walked into our bathroom. I took the test, and as I sat it down looked at it. I seen the start of one line. I knew I wasn't pregnant I thought as I went to wash my hands. I then proceeded to open the bathroom door.

I looked at my husband, and stated " see i'm not....uh..." another glance of the test now clearly showed two lines. " Uh?" my husband said as he walked towards the bathroom door. " Your going to be a daddy." In a bit of shock we decided to get another test just to make sure. So, the next day we took two more tests. Which, also confirmed that we were expecting.

Still shocked, yet excited we called family, some close friends, and scheduled our first doctors appointment. Soon we were buying baby stuff, reading about how far along we were, and discussing names.My husband was going out for my crazy food cravings. Weeks passed, and the day came that we could finally hear the heartbeat. 

But, there was no heart beat. At first the doctors thought the baby might be a little to small to get the heart beat. They had said because I am so small we could probably hear the heart beat, and find out the sex sooner then most expectant mothers. After blood work it was confirmed it was a miscarriage. The baby was 7 weeks but, stopped growing at 4-5 weeks. The heart stopped beating at 5-7 weeks. Of course everything was estimated. 

I couldn't even think the moment the words miscarriage was spoken. All I could do was cry. The dr came in telling me what would\could happen next. I had my options of letting it pass naturally, or getting a DNC done. Which, did I want to do?! My mind spun, and all I could say is " I don't know." The dr left, and my husband just held me. " Let's do our devo's when we get home." 

Devo's! What?! Was he crazy? I didn't want to do devo's. I was mad at God. He just took our baby. Days passed with anger, questions of why, and the feeling of being cheated each time I seen an expectant mother, or new born baby. A few days after we found out about the miscarriage he wrote this :

Why??? That is not the Question!!! FAITH!! GOD has a reason for everything. GOD answer why in his time and last I knew I am not him. FAITH is BELIEVING and TRUSTING in GOD. That is the the answer!! People need to do that more and more everyday!! I don't know what he has in store for us. But, whatever it is I know he will be there to carry us where ever we go. GOD IS WITH ALL OF US!! Losing a child is sad but, GOD know what is best. Don't be sad... Be glad for the LORD is with our CHILD. I will miss this CHILD we never had but, our CHILD is with the Lord.. He is okay, for our CHILD is in a better place... Our Child is in Heaven watching over us. So, REJOICE. I am!!! Thanks everyone for all the support that everyone has given Melinda and I. Glory to GOD In the Highest!!!

The moment I read this I knew my husband was right. When we first found out we were expecting I told God this was his child. He could do whatever he wanted with it. I don't know why he choose to take this child to heaven. But, that is what he choose. Though this baby was taken away, he or she was created for a purpose. I believe it was to bring my husband & I closer to him, and each other. This storm has only brought us closer, and showed me even more what an amazing, godly man I've married. 

A week ago we went in for our two week check up. I still hadn't passed the baby yet. We got one more glance at our baby. Praying that God would give us a miracle. That there would be a heart beat, or that the baby had grown. Some kind of sign or proof that the baby was actually alive. Though this is what my husband, and I hoped we both prayed for God's will. Even if that was that the baby would be miscarried. The baby was, and I was scheduled for a DNC that Thursday. 

Thursday came, and we went to the hospital. 7 1\2 hours of waiting, and they finally took me in for the Surgery. It's been a week since my surgery, some days it seems more easy. I know even though the physical part of the recovery is over the emotional isn't. But, throughout this whole time my husband and I have found hope in God, and that he is in control. That our sweet baby is in his arms. Not ever having to feel hurt or pain. We had decided a few days after the miscarriage that our baby deserved a name. We didn't know the sex of our baby. But, we came up with Joy Strength. 

We aren't fully over this storm. But, we are looking towards the light. We don't know when God will bless us with a baby. But, we know it's in his timing. All we can do is take each day at a time, and know the days we feel like we can't get through he is carrying us. Though things are tough now, I look forward to what's next in our life, marriage, and the year to come. 

Just Living Life....

 I checked my email, and opened one from my mom. It was a forward, and as I ended it all I could do was smile. Then I read the ps. Will I meet you someday....All I could do was laugh. It was an email from 2006 a pretty handsome guy. Heck, who am I kidding- he's a total hottie! It was an email from my now fiance. The first email I received from him. 

 I still laugh while I remember what I did after I replied to that email. Go up to Amanda's ( aka my beautiful other hips's) dorm room and stated I am not dating this guy. No way. After a bad break up I was done with guys. I was sticking to the single life...But Charles slowly won my heart. And now 7 years later we will be married soon! 

Crazy how time flies , and things change so fast!  A year ago I was almost done with my first week of classes, and sharing a dorm room with the most amazing girls ever. Now, a year later I am making my apartment a home, and planning a wedding. 51 days and I will be a wife. It's still a mind blowing thought. But, I couldn't be more excited to spend the rest of my life with my best friend. 

Wedding planning is beyond insane. But, I love ever second of it. My summer has pretty much been spent with family, and my fiance. A dab of some friends. Which I am ok with because this is how my future will look very soon. Every day is a new adventure of getting to know my fiance. Even if it's just hanging out at the apartment. Everyday is days of hugs, laughs, and odd conversations. Really, if people heard some of our conversations they would wonder what's wrong with us. 

School and everything else in life is on it's back burner until the wedding. But, i'm excited for what's to come.  My life may seem a bit boring lately. But, I love it. Every second of it. This next month and a half is going to be super busy. But, i'm ready for it...I think ha ha.

I do miss my friends at school. Especially my roommates. Especially when I need some girl time. Going from just walking into a room with girls I can trust . I've found coming back home my friends are slim to non. Especially when it comes to girlfriends. But, I guess that's what happends the older you get. But, no matter what happens the older I get. I know happy with how things are in my life at the moment. It's as close to perfect as you can get. 

Almost the end.....

    So, i'm looking around my dorm room. Most of my stuff is packed into the trunk of my car. But, there is still a lot I still have to pack. Mostly little things. As I write this I look at my desk, and see the things that mean a lot to me for a specific reason. My picture of all the girls  during summer semester  at Ellerslie, A group photo of our Sister Section, my piglet given to me a few years ago from my best friend Beccie, the star fish from my love, a photo of my Grandpa Vansickle and I when I was 5 years old, the teddy bear pillow given to me from my beautiful other hip Amanda, and a family picture. 

  As I look at these, and get ready to end my semester at Frontier I realize I am once again ending a chapter of my life, and starting a new one. If there is one thing in life I have learned it's to not make any plans. God always seems to change mine. I wasn't sure how long God called me to come to Frontier when I applied last summer. But, I knew I was supposed to come here in the fall. Last year was the hardest I've had. Bad thing after bad thing seemed to happen, and I needed out. The " Small town" of Saint Johns was the last place I wanted to be. I needed to get away, and re evaluate my life. Get to a place where I could breath again. I needed to be as far away from the town I grew up in. Away from the people, and the drama. I needed an escape. As far as I was concerned La Grange Wyoming was just that. Everyone seemed to come to bible college to learn more about the bible, and God. In all honesty I came to get away from life at home. 

 Though I did want to get a good background on biblical teaching for counseling that wasn't my main reason for going to college. I just needed to get away. Though it was only a semester God used it in an amazing way. I was able to work with Youth Group, and Awana's, I was given such amazing roommates that I could totally be myself with, I made great friends, and went to a great church. I was given the chance to really experience college. Though I went to Cornerstone I didn't get that experience since I didn't have a roommate. 

  There are so many things I learned here about life. Especially my own. I learned to be real. Not pretend. My roommate told me the other night that the minute she meet me she seen how real I was, and seen how confident I was with myself. I knew who I was, and I wasn't going to change that.  My roommates, and friends became a safe haven for me. It was the first time I let myself be completely real with anyone, and not have to sit into some cookie cutter Christianity where everything is nice and neat. Yes, I was blessed to grow up in a christian home. But, my life was anything but a cookie cutter Christianity that was nice and neat. It's been anything but that. I've had a great life. But, a lot of trials, mistakes, my life sometimes felt like a crazy ride, But, I always keep it to myself. But, through listening to Joe at Youth Group I seen how being real is what people need, and want.

  I  also seen how important friendship is. Real friendships that is. I seen how some frienships can do nothing but tear you down. When I was talking to my roommate about this one night about a friendship I have been praying about because it wasn't doing anything but tearing me down, and just wasn't good. She opened the bible to a verse in Romans. I seen how amazing it is to be able to walk into my room, and tell my roommate I needed to pray or just to talk. It's amazing to have friends I can be real with. I am going to miss then dearly. But, as Molly told me the other day on our " Roommate date" that this was just the beginning not the end. I'm excited to see where God is going to take these new found friendships- that feel like I have had for years. As well as each of our lives.

 Working with the Youth Group this semester has been amazing. It' just given me the passion, and fire to work with youth even more! I love all the teens at the Youth Group! I am so excited to see where God will lead their lives! I am so thankful I will be able to keep in contact with them, and continue to enjoy every time I talk to them even more. 

I love everything that happened this semester, and all I learned in and outside of the classroom. I have so many amazing memories here. But, I am also so excited to see my family, and start the next chapter of my life. I know God is going to do amazing things as always :)
   
 

almost the end......

Crazy to think the last time I wrote about my time here at Frontier I was just in my third week. Now, I am into my last full week. The time here has gone by so fast! Yet, it's been amazing!!! Last weekend I drove down to Windsor Colorado to the Ellerslie Campus. Also known as my " Heart Home." I still have never found a place that feels like home as Ellerlie does! Once on the the campus I walked down to my favorite spot on campus. A bench out looking the lake. You can see the mountains in the back ground, and in the middle is a cross. I always loved looking out at all the beauty, and thinking.

That day I was there for Eric, and Leslie's adoption " baby shower". This day came to my mind a few moments ago as I was looking through some books of mine. I stumbled upon my first copy of When God Writes Your Love Story as well as my 10th anniversary copy that is Autographed by both Eric, and Leslie. I smile as I think how just a few years ago I started reading their books. Never did I think i'd meet them when I first read their books. But, God didn't only give me the privilege of meeting them but to be a part of their lives in a small way. I loved going to the set a part girl conferences then when God told me to quit my job to attend Ellerslie last summer  people thought I was crazy! But, God did amazing things that summer. I was even re-baptized because when I was first baptized I didn't fully understand the meaning of it at the time. It was just the thing you did. There I learned to pray- really pray. I heard truth like I had never heard it before.

After the shower, and visiting with some friends who still live on campus, and some of the staff I went to find the Ludy's to say goodbye. I smiled as Eric looked at me and said " Hey, look who it is." as he gave me a hug. As I spoke to the Ludy's about what was going on in my life before I left I wrote home with a content smile on my face.

My life has been so crazy lately. Once again God is calling me to go back home instead of continue with going to Frontier. People think I am crazy. But, I feel content, and satisfied. God allowed me to experience college. Really experience it. Having roommates, section devo's with amazing woman, prayer group once a week. It's bitter sweet. I am going to miss hanging out with my roommates, having road trips to walmart (when it's an hour away, and it takes part of the day. Yes, going to wal mart is a road trip!) , helping with youth group, helping with Awanas, being able to drive down to Colorado, and see my Ellerslie family. But, I know that God is leading me home. There is so much I want to do there! Every day God has given me the burden and desire to work with the teens at our local public school. I don't know what God is going to do next. I learned not to make plans. God always seems to have different ones, and is always seems to be shaking things up. Taking me down a path I didn't expect. But, I am excited for what's to come. Whatever that will be! The next few days will be studying for upcoming tests, finals, memorizing verses, spending time with my friends, and getting as much as I can out of these last few days!

When God Writes Your Love Story...Originally written 01\23\2007

So, I found some old journal entries, and found this one. This is from the first time I ever picked up and read When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric and Leslie Ludy....This was from January 23,2007.. But, I thought i'd share it anyway.... :)

Yesterday I started reading When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric and Leslie Ludy. I can't put the book down. I am in aw at the things God has shown me. Some good, Some well, I don't want to say bad, I guess sad. I realized through reading the book, that I not only put God to the side, but I started taking control of well pretty much eveything in my life. God was just there. I soon realized I was becoming the per son I was all through highschool, someone I don't want to be. I had put up the wall again, and was keeping everyone at arms length. Including people I really care about. I wasn't letting them see me for me. I was pushing them away. I've felt blah latley since after christmas, I thought it was because I was still bumbed about not going to Cornerstone. Which in a way I still am. I miss it. But instead of seeing what god has for me at home, and why he wants me here. I was to busy thinking of all the things i'm missing by not being at Cornerstone. Which was making being at home even harder.

       But I decided not to keep that wall up anymore. I want to learn to trust people, which is something i've always had a hard time at. I want to let people in, and not hold them at arms length. I've also completely given full control of every part of my life to god, which isn't easy for me to do. But i'm doing it. I am trusting god completely, and not like I used to " Trust" him. In the past when I would trust god, it would be like this " ok god I trust you, but I think you should do this and this in this part of my life" Then soon god was pushed to the side, again. I don't want that anymore. I want to know god not only as my savoir, but the lover of my soul. My first love. Yup, that's what I want, and plan on doing.

     The book had a really awesome way looking at Purity too. Eric Ludy was talking to the guys in this part of the book, But I also got a lot out of it. He said whatever you are doing, imagine your future spouse is with you, and if it's not god's plan for you to marry, imagine god is standing next to you when you're doing something. Think of what god, and your future spouse would think and feel in they seen or or heard you say a certian thing. Think of how they would feel. It's a great way to remeber to " Does him good, not evil all the days of her life." Proverbs 31:12. Living for the person god has intended you to marrie ( If that's his will) all the days of your life, even  before you know them isn't easy. But I think what Eric Ludy suggests is a great way to live for you're spouse, and not only your spouse ( if god has choosen to have you be married) but to live for God.

    Now, what I learned about true love...girls, I know you can remember this....Sitting in front of the tv in your pj's watching as prince charming finally finds cinderella, puts the glass slipper on her foot. The prince had finally found his true love. After embarrassing cinderella, and kissing her the prince and cinderella wisk off to be married, and live happily ever after....aw, the movie every girls dream is based on. Finding the prince. As a little girl the "perfect" prince can be described like this the typical ken doll ( blond hair, blue eyes, musclar) + a white horse= the "Perfect Prince".  As a little girl gets older, and become a teen,then eventually an adult that's when you replace those ken dolls with ( I can hear the guys grumbling now) yes, chick flicks. Because all girs know that once you fall in love you're going to be on could 9 24/7, showered with love, chocolote, flowers, and affection 24/7, and you and your guy will never get sick of eachother. there will be nothing but holding hands, kisses, cuddling, looking at eachother and feeling no one else is there. It will be happily ever after, with the sappy love song in the back ground that makes all the girls cry, and think, i want that romance. To be sweeped off our feet, and never have a bad feeling ever, because hey, your in love!

    Yes, I know you don't have to tell me, I've read to many christian love storys, and seen one to many chick flicks ( even though a girl wonders, is there such a thing? ) aw, the feeling of being in love. It's nice, But yes, now comes the reality check.  My definition of true love- Choosing to love someone even when you don't feel like it. Putting the other person first, when you want to be selfish, and have things you're way. Forgiving completely like christ forgives, which means, when the person says their sorry, and you say that's ok you forgive them, you don't dwell on it or bring it up again in the future. Act like it never happened. Then being completely patient with the person no matter how hard it is. that's what true love is. you choose to love them, and all that really matters is making the other person happy, and lifting them up.

  Now, since were being relistic. the perfect guy isn't all that perfect. They mess up, and drive a girl insane! But at the end of the day, if you know that person is who God has made for you, no matter how insane or mad they make you only one fact remains. you love them, because you choose to. Even when you don't feel like loving them, or even talking to them, you love them. If you haven't read it yet, I highly recommend reading When God Writes Your Love Story! It's a great book!!! Well, Dishes are calling my name. So i'm off to get them done. Unless someone wants to do them for me ha-ha. hey, can't blame a girl for trying.

Melinda